So many of my friends are turning 17 lately. Or soon. Me, though, well I won't be 17 til October. But it's kinda scary. We're growing up. And it makes me think of all the dreams people I know once had.
The girl who dreamed of touring the world as a famous musician.
The girl who now works as an apprentice mechanic.
The girl who was planning to get engaged to her boyfriend by now, and to travel Australia with her job.
The girl who has now dropped out of school, and gone through a number of boyfriends since the one who planned on marrying her.
The guy who planned to become a police officer and move across the country to live with the guy he loved.
The guy who has dropped out of school and works in retail, and has long since ended things with his boyfriend.
it's scary that all their dreams seem so unlikely now to ever come to fruition. What happened to their dreams? Do they still have them? Do they still lust for those futures? Or have they completely changed?
I guess I'm still thankful that my dreams are still alive. Even if I'm not sure how likely it will be that they will happen. But I'm not giving up the struggle. I want these things to happen, and I will do all I can to make them happen.
Above all though, there is one thing that I want... need... to happen. If I don't get to direct films for a living, then so be it. I can deal with that. If I don't get to travel the world, then so be it. I can deal with that too. But if I don't get to be with the guy I love, I can't deal with that. Love comes before all else in my life.
It's also interesting, that all the people I know that have abandoned that life they wanted, I no longer talk to much. I've gone from being very close to them, to seeing them on the street every now and then, or hearing about them from others. Whereas I remain close to the people who mean a lot to me who continue working towards their dreams.
I've also been having some weird dreams lately. And I get stuck in them, I'm half awake, I can't get up, but I'm still asleep, I know what is happening and I can't stop it. Lucid dreaming. Although there have been some that have been okay, but it still annoys me when I'm aware of what is happening but can't get out of it.
4 comments:
"Consider every possibility, question everything and expect anything for NOTHING is certain..."
Bilby P. Dalgyte, scribbled on pg 23 of his maths book.
Nothing is certain but death. Quite reliable old thing... it doesn't change it's moods, go back on what it's promised, decide to start a career, fail job interviews (but it might be the cause of failure at said job interview. People generally don't employ the deceased.) or cause you a mental illness... depending completely and utterly upon anything is a terrible thing to do... it's an addiction. Addictions scare me. I don't like being dependent. Especially when I can see it, but I can't stop...
I often wonder if this blog is getting too personal... rule 1: Don't blog about personal matters. I guess it doesn't really matter seeing how the only people who ever read this blog are the authors themselves (and Rayne.) so I've created a little community and brought people together... to discuss the strange and weird and all their problems and unusual ideas. Hmm...
Age. I really didn't want to read through all of this blog once I realised it involved aging... involved TIME... uncontrollable things. It's the scariest thing on earth to me and everywhere I go I see the effects of it and I just sit and wonder to myself... "How did some 5 year old child CHANGE just SO MUCH that they're now a tatooed trucky? When did this little 12 year old girl ever decide to be a buisness woman? Does that 70 year old janitor ever feel like his life has been one monotonous and bland existence of mopping floors? His head permanently bent down to clean up the litter and the puke of children that will grow up to pay his salary as the places he cleans change around him into new and strange places... shops that start to play strange new music on the radio as kids buy some f***ing weird electronic gizmo he doesn't remember ever popping up because he never bothered to change with the world..." The problem is you don't change with the world you become that old frail f*** who can't get any other job and remembers back when $50 was worth something and if you change with the times... are you still the same person? How does a person love another person who is forced to change with the world and has to change to deal with their own wrinkled reflection? Age... scares the hell out of me...
My enemies: Time and distance. Distance I can overcome with effort or money.... Time will destroy me and turn me to dust...
So basically the solution is to ignore this... ignore everything you don't like. You're going to be dead in some uncertain amount of time anyway so hey... have fun. Your problems will vanish one day. Then you'll never ever be dependant again... you'll never ever change. You'll be the same forever :)
You may be able to live without a film career but do you really want to? I fear monotony and blandness... film is what allows me to escape from that fear. So you're going to die someone you never thought you'd be back when you were 5 or 8 or 12...
Follow the dreams anyway. No matter what.
I'm too unfocused to read all that. However, I don't fear monotony and blandness. Why? Because I will never be monotonous or bland. It just isn't in me. And love, passion, that also provides a way for me to not end up facing that. So if that's your escape, then great. It isn't mine. Not in that way. It provides me with enthusiasm and creativity and satisfaction, yes.
Apart from that, I can't make sense of much else you said, because 1. I don't think that way, and 2. because it had nothing to do with what I was thinking/saying.
Because all comments are based on the thoughts of the individual who wrote them and don't necessarily revolve around the author's mind... My comment was very self absorbed don't you think? I do too... all this talk about MY fears etc :) What I think about time...
the only thing i can say to that comes in the form of a song by rise against: rumours of my demise have been greatly exaggerated:)
Please don't ask me how
I ended up at my wits end and breaking down
Pages torn from books we never read
because we're plugged into this grid
don't pull this plug right now or then we'd really have to live
when i die will they remember not what i did but what i haven't done?
it's not the end that i fear with each breath, it's life that scares me to death
when we built these dreams on sand
how they all slipped through our hands
this might be our only chance
let's take this one day at a time
i'll hold your hand if you hold mine
the time that we kill keeps us alive
your words won't save me now
i'm at the edge feeling the sweat drip from my brow
get a grip on yourself is what they say
every hour every day
hands over my ears, i've been screaming all these years
when i die will they remember not what i did but what i haven't done?
it's not the end that i fear with each breath, it's life that scares me to death
when we built these dreams on sand
how they all slipped through our hands
this might be our only chance
let's take this one day at a time
i'll hold your hand if you hold mine
the time that we kill keeps us alive
we came in search of answers
we left empty handed again
shots fired into the sky are now returning
where the fuck will you hide?
hiding from the laughter in the closet of our lives
but the door hinges are squeaking letting in thin shards of light
and now a hand's extending outward, quiet comfort they invite
do we dare take what they offer, do we step into the light?
when i die will they remember not what i did but what i haven't done?
it's not the end i fear with each breath, it's life that scares me to death
when we built these dreams on sand
how they all slipped through our hands
this might be our only chance
let's take this one day at a time
i'll hold your hand if you hold mine
the time that we kill keeps us alive
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