fear

good god, do i love clive barker. he is an absolutely brilliant author. the way he uses words to fuck with reality and peoples minds is just so... perfect. he has mastered the art of the mind fuck.

just thougth i'd share that with everyone. if anyone has never read a clive barker book, then you are missing out. i strongly recomend weaveworld, cabal, the great and secret show, mr b.gone, and any of his books of blood. absolute genious.

i have had a lot of time to read lately, and clive barker is the author i have been reading lately. i re-read cabal, i finished the last 3 books of blood, and im about 3 quarters through the great and secret show.

the reason i have had a lot of time to read lately is because on thursday, my birthday of all the days, i had my toe opperated on. it was a most unpleasant experience. i wont go in to details, but let me just say that i would rather face the opperation without any anaesthetic than face another one of those fucking needles in my foot. let alone 3 of them...

by the way, this all ties in to the title, so dont dispare yet.

the reason i had my toe cut open is because the nail was in-grown and was cutting into the inside of my toe, wich needless to say was rather painful. i have been hyped up on pain meds for the last few days. wooo!!! i have had the opperation before on another toe, but the healing proccess this time round has been excruciatingly painful in comparrison. friday night was the worst night of my life. i couldnt sleep cause i was in so much pain it was taking every ounce of concentration not to cry out. and because i was concentrating, i couldnt sleep. and because i wasnt asleep, i heard some things i never want to hear again. shudder.

i found out the reason why my toe has been hurting so much more though. the surgeon put 4 stitches into it withought bothering to tell me. you know how with cheese wire you gently move it and it cuts through the cheese? i have had that feeling for several days now. its not entirely pleasant.

and tomorow i get the stitches removed, which is supposedly more painful than recieving an injury wich requires stitches in the first place.

i hate going to the doctors. and this has just further enhanced my hatred of all things medical. if the fucking doctor had at least told me i had 3 inches of wire running through my flesh, then at least i might have KNOWN why it was hurting so much. and if he had done it right in the first place, then i wouldnt even had needed stitches. on a side note i think im becoming addicted to panadol. i havent gone a day for nearly a week withought having them, and i find myself taking some even though it doesnt hurt so much. again, doctors fault!

and all that has got me to thinking about fear. why do we feel fear for certain irrational things? is it because of some memory hewn into our dna from ancient times? well, i find it hard to believe that cave men were scared of flying, or scared of clowns. is fear a learned thing? do we learn to fear things by associating traumatic events in the past with certain objects and scenario's? well i fail to see how someone could have a traumatic event with wide open area's.

but perhaps the thing i thought most about fear is: what does it feel like to be irationally afraid of something??? there is not much that remotely scares me. im not saying it to be tough, i honestly dont get scared by much. there is only really one thing that scares me, and that is the thought of my friends being in pain and me being un-able to help them. but thats just a thought, its not a person or object or scenario. i guess the closest thing i have to irrational fear is that i truly despise hospitals. i walk into one and i feel a stiffling oppression come over me, like someones thrown a thick fog over the area. when i am in a hospital i feel on edge and alert, and time seems to move at a snails pace.

im not scared of hospitals, if i have to i will go into one, i just really really detest them. they are supposed to be places of healing, but all i can smell when i enter is pain, sickness and death. i can litterally smell all this, and it is sickening to be around. the clean conditions, clean smell, clean nurses, its all a lie. its like one of those masks that pharaoes were bueried with once they were mummified. the mask itself is shiny and beautiful, but underneath all that remains is decay and rot. the reason a hospital always smells like cleaner is because they are always trying to mask the scent of disease and agony. it disgusts me, but i suppose its no different to a court of law or a prison, or any other place that has ties to the government. all stink of rot and suffering.

i suppose eventually my hate of hospitals might turn into fear, but for now it is content, it seems. still, my visit this last week has done little to improve my outlook on them. to all who have been bothered to read: comment with your fears and hates. and possibly some reasoning as well. that would be good...

anyway it is late and there are buildings to burn and people to stab. i shall be of now.

and remember: i am always watching :P