You know who I envy??

you know who i envy??? people who care only for themselves. they have it really easy. i wish i could be like them. seriously, when you stop and think about it, they really lead a very fulfilling life. when you only care about yourself, you stop caring about the consequences of your actions. there are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many things i have wanted to do over the years, but many times one of the little voices in my head decides to come along and say "stop! think about what your doing. wont it hurt someone???" yea, but according to the butterfly effect theory, wherein a flap of a butterflies wings could result in a hurricane elsewere in the world, no matter what i do i am bound to hurt someone somewhere in the world. but unfortunately, i choose to listen to the voice in my head and stop. why??? because it so happens the people i would affect directly happen to be my best friends like it or not, and i dearly love them all. so, because i happen to care about my closest and absolutely lovely friends, i hold back on doing a lot of things i want to. its shit. i hate it. then i remember i probably would have hurt someone, and i begrudgingly admit defeat for now....

when you care only about yourself, every expense is significantly sliced into tiny little ribbons. if you only cared about yourself, then you would most likely live alone, and living alone you would only have to pay for whatever it is you need at the time. no paying electricity bills for massive foxtell prizepacks that only get watched once and then not even by you, no more paying for expensive water bills because someone other tahn you likes to take exceedingly long showers, no more driving down to the police station in the middle of the night and wasting 20 bucks of petrol because someone you know got caught doing something illeagle and wants you to bail them out. theres another expense, bail money! man, life sure is cheap when you dont have to pay for other people. i did a little test the other week: i withdrew 100 dollars from my account and set about spending it. i ended up spending 10 dollars on my lunch, 40 dollars on lunch for other people, 20 dollars on a cd my friend saw and said he's pay me back (wich he never did), and another 20 dollars on a birthday present for someone. all in all, i spent 10 out of 100 dollars on myself. the rest all went to my friends. see, if i only cared about myself, i would still actually have money in my account for my daily V and icecream for breakfast, but no, unfortunately i am not a self-centered asshole.

when you care only about yourself, life in general becomes a lot more bearable. no more calling in sick from work because your friends are having a party and want you to come, no more waiting for weeks on end to recieve back stuff you have lent to people, no more waiting in line at the bank carrying a shotgun and being too nice of a person to actually start blowing peoples faces off. man, you have no idea how many times i have felt like doing that to someone. anywho, back to my pointless and confusing tangeant: life is more bearable when every body else becomes insignificant fucking specks in your mind just waiting to be blown away at point blank range by the twin loaded shells of my 12 gauge pump action shotgun! woo, violence!

but unfortunately for me, i am not a self centered asshole of a person. so life is not more bearable, life is not less expensive, and my built up rage at not being able to do some of the things i want to only rises day by day. but in a way, i am glad. if i only cared about myself, i wouldnt put half as much effort into being nice to everyone. i hate being seen as a nice person, but apparently i am no matter how hard i try not to be. so anyway, if i was self obsessed, i wouldnt have any of the firends i have today. my friends are my one true family, and i love them all more than words can say.

as a footnote, i would also like to point out my dislike of people who claim to be self centered and butt-holes, but in actual fact arent. take my absolutely awsome and gorgeous friend who shall be refered to as B, as an example: she claims that she is an incredibly evil and self obsessing bitch, yet i have seen strong evidence to suggest otherwise. she is one of those people who likes to think that she is evil and non caring of others, but deep down i know she really cares alot for everyone, perhaps even a little too much for her own good. i kinda see why she does it though, but i cant be bothered listing those reasons. anyway, she claims to be very narcistic, and indeed she sometimes can be when the situation rises, but i know, and she knows i know, that she really is an awsome and caring person somewhere deep down amongst all the evil and hatred and dreams of my paonful horrible death. she actually has had quite a few dreams like that, including one were i drowned myself in vermilion paint (wich is funny as one of my favourite songs ever is vermilion by slipknot). but me and her share this obsession with being seen as evil and hatefilled, she's just a lot better at acting the part.

so back to my original statement, i envy people who care for no-one but themselves, but even though i like to be seen as one of them, i would probably hate it. i couldnt give up my friends, no matter how money grubbing and attention demanding they are.

and in your face bilby P. dalgyte: your not the only one who can write a very long and pointless blog that ammounts to nothing! hahaha!