My Sex Life.

Well... I wish i didnt go through the last 5 hours of my life. but i did. and i suppose i had to, because quite honestly, i had to try get laid.
But why did i have to go to that club? on that night?
Was it the mysterious forces of the god of the fucked that brought me there, or was it just sheer luck?
I suppose it's just one of the many mysteries that dwells in the inner depths of my mind.

I been having a little drink at home, i didn't have much, afterall there wasn't really much in the first place... So anyway, being depressed from just recently going through a horrible break up, i had to get out there, and i needed more drink also. So why not go down to the bar?
I did so anyway. I walk through the door.. the first thing i see is some fat hulk of a thing lying passed out on the pool table. A group of guys are surrounding it. This "thing" gets up, and i think " oh it's a woman" then i was like "oh wait no it isnt" thewn i was like "oh, wait, yep it is" then i was like "i honestly don't know what the FUCK IT IS"
All of a sudden she looks over, and a huge grin goes onto her face. "ohhh fuck!" i exclaimed. i don't mean to be shallow or anything, but i dont want this thing paying attention to me. I mean, c'mon, worst case scenerio it'll be wasted night by having this fat thing dribbling all over me.
It's how it's always been though, i can never really attract a normal woman, there either fucking weird, weird looking, suicidal tendencies and on several occasions not even a woman at all.
I was considering walking out this bar right that second.
the incredible blob yells "Edgar!!!", and i'm like "FUCK, she knows my name".
how, how could i possibly know this person. I'm astressing out, am i at my stalkers bar or what the fuck is it?
She slides right off, her geletan stomache wriggling all around the place outta control!
Gosh this woman has such a resemblance to my high school friend Steve it's not funny.
....wait...holy fuck.... THAT IS STEVE.'
"ohai steven, didn't think i'd see you here, after so many years after high school"
Steve all of a sudden stresses out. He pulls me over, raising his hand, i see under his armpit.
ewww, just something about arm pit hair ON ANYONE that makes me want to vomit. seriously.
"dude, dont let those guys over there know my name. i got a god thing going"
"oh steve you didn't become a hooker did you?"
"narh bro, i'm doing a drunk bust up"
"a drunk bust up?"
"yeah man. what happens is you designate the drunk chick, after you've got a few guys hanging off you, you stumble drunk outside where a group will mob them, you act like the damsel in distress, while ya mates put you in the truck, and the guys dont even know it was your master plan all along."
i look over to this group of guys. All weird featured dudes in there late 50's, ealry 60's. there foreheads and eyeballs all seemd quite exagerated, they were obviously all single.
But what i didnt get it how Steven got away with his horrid disguise, geez he certianly put on some weight since our high school days.

Anyway, Steve led the eager dudes out the bar, while i took a seat. There was a weird group of girls, all in funny wigs, tipsy off whatever it was they were drinking. Bartenders and barmaids alike looking over in embarrasment, they'd obviously been that annoying a good amount of the night.
The cackling of there horrid drunk laughs, the weird conversation topics.
I mean, it did clarify some questions i had. You know how you see those extremely overweight women in public in ther e50's or 60's, that have no sex appeal to them at all? You think "god did they ever look like anything else before they turned to this or are they like ammeaba's and just split off asexually from one another, born of the exact appearance.
Would make sense anyway, people like that are of a face you see a million times.
but back to what i was saying. no what i said beforew, that theory, was proven wrong.
I know what they looked like. All though they kept a womanly figure, (nbot all of them) the faces just echoed what i have seen so many time, the fickle single asexual women, that hate all thats human in society and stay in a world of there own. The weird friend of your mothers that you always suspected of being lesbian, but wasn't.
Anyway they look over at me and there all like "wooooaaaaaaaaaaah!". Oh fuck what is it people noticing me? i always attract a weird group in the wrong way.
Don't get me wrong, i love weird groups, there interesting and quircky. But i don't want to have sex with them.
It's like, i have a dog because it's a personality and unique, not because i wanna fuck it.
I turn around, looking twice to see if i was drunk enough to take just a slight interest, but as i do i notice a hot little number walking her way to the barstand.
"ohai", i say to her as she sits. Beautiful short brown hair, hazel eyes, a volumptous figure, and a small beautiful smile to top it off.
"hey" she smiles back.
All of a sudden a huge commotion at the door.
It Slams shut, and there stands one of Steven's pick ups from the pool table. In his late 50's, balding, wearing a boring brown suit with plated shirt. His pale sweaty forehead was bleeding, a treacle running down just pass his eye.
He was crying irratically, almost screaming.
The bartender, an athletic built kiwi, stands up "hey hey hey, whats the commotion?".
"I'VE...(HUGE HIGH PITCHY WHINGING AND PUFFING GOING ON)...BEEN...(Oh fuck is that a huge piss stain on his pants?)...R-R-R-R-R-R-ROBBBED!!!".
The bartender jumps over the barstand and makes his way over "who did this? what happened exactly?" he turns to the barmaid, a blonde in her late 20's, "Katie, dial 000, tell them there's been a mugging"
"MA GIRRLLLL!!!" that iradic, poor, awkward look man, crying and whining still. "THEY TOOK HER IN A VAN!".
"Who, the fat transvestite?" the puzzled bartender, being forced to think fast in this situation (the poor sod), replies with no real thought.
"SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL! DON'T YOU SAY THAT ABOUT MY SAMANTHA", oh god that's not more piss going down his trousers is it? and do i smell shit?
I turn to look over at the pretty brunette, "huh,what a commotion, am i right?"
she wasn't there......fuck.
"don't worry honey, i know how to make it all better"
Urgh...you gotta be shitting me...
I turn to see her french kissing the robbed man...
great...
I've had enough at this point. Sure they're werent too many obsceneties to make me break down. but after my recent break up, and my need for some human contact (with a more attractive female, i dont mean to be shallow, but it's what i have ben urging exactly. i cant change that, it's like when your in the mood for lasagne, it's not going to go away by eating raw potatoes)
anyway wherew was I? yes, after my break up, and my urge for contact, i just came to some werird conclusion.
Oh gosh those fucking weird wigged girls in the corner again, all the oohing and aahing of that confusing spectator sport at the door, the soiled man getting a new sort of wettness in his pants.
well there they go, out the door and into the night.
But i basically lost it. i thought, "well hey, i'm fairly normal am i right? (dead silence from the third person perspective). "Why is it the weird guy gets the girl? and the normal dude gets the weirdo's?"
so i look over to see a busty blonde in the corner, really defined features in her face, strong jaw line. I walk over there and i flop out my junk.

"hey bitchhhhnipples, wana ride maaa donkey stick it costa you free dollah!!"

At first she was taken aback by my gesture ("yes my theory worked huzzah!!!!"), i decided to be on the safe side.
"i gotta shove poopoo in da microwave so the rhino's dont get to it before the adventurerers from taraploonga get there first!".
now that weirded her out.
Oh...my theory didn't work :(
but then i realised there was more to it then met the eye.
urgh, how could i have been so STUPID!
It was the token barr transvestite (not steven).
I knew those defined facial features were too much!
Very similiar looking to one on a movie me and my friend josh watched the previous day called the bagman.
Well, no lost there.
I can see she lost interested after the poopoo comment, and neither did the wigged girls.
Obviously because i was the only "conventional" man in there before, they all set there weird sights on me, and now that i showed i was no different (supposedly) they all got up and left.

Well at least it did leave the normal people :)


which there were none.


oops i forgot to put my junk back in my pants ^-^ forgive me for that!




Well, i got home, blue balls, cold balls (from over exposure to the dense atmosphere of the bar), blue mind, nasty tinge of vomit mixed with rum in my mouth, and nerves like you wouldnt believe.
yeah, being drunk with nerves, bit of a lose lose isnt it? isnt it like physically impossible? lol i dont know....

Anyway... Just to show... Why is it only the scary people show an interest in me when im out at places? :(

i dont mean to post a shallow sounding blog, thats my last intention, but i just wish to express how sometimes, what you need can get easily confused with what you want when other people see you.
i have yet to have a nice experience with someone i can feel on an emotional level with.

but thankyou for reading my vented sexual frustration, in a quasi fictional narrative...

(ps. NO i did not meanm STEVE BARRON. this steve is fictional. although if steve greww upto play drunk bust up i'd piss myself laughing)
(btw i created the concept of drunk bust up)