brooding insanity expodes in an orgy of invertebrate sex

well today has been even better than yesterday!!!

has anyone ever had someone come up and ask if they can just talk for a bit??? yea??? well generally you'd humour the person. well thats what i'd do. cause usually when someone comes up and asks if they can just talk for a bit its because they've got something bothering them or just want a break from the oppressions of reality. maybe their interested in how your doing. maybe they want to talk because it will make them feel better, at least momentarily. and if the person who came up to you happened to be one of your closests friends??? then most people would probably say yes, lets just talk for a bit about whats on your mind.

today i had someone say no to me. as you can guess lately hasnt exactly been the best of times in my life. and the one person i thought i could depend on just turned around and basically said no, im not interested in why you've been all depressed and shit lately. then continued talking to another person as if nothing has happened. but she was laughing as she said no, so i assumed it was like a joke or something, so i was like haha, ok seriously can i just talk to you for a bit. no. more laughter. im not laughing any more. ok now, seriously... and what do you think the answer is??? no. no no no no no no no no no no no no NO FUCKING GOD DAMNED NO!!!

one of my best friends, the person i trust and care about above all others, basically slapped me in the face and told me to fuck off. i tried texting her the night before as well. asking if i could talk for a bit cause i was feeling down. no reply. didnt even mention it at school today. not so much as a "sorry, i was out of credit." see, cornflake??? hoping for something only makes it hurt more when it comes crashing down.

and it also proves my many theories. that everyone is ignoring me. that i am being shut out. dammit, i cant concentrate, i keep hearing this music coming from my room, like my phone is going off, but every time i go check, theres nothing there. i really am going insane. work was insane tonight. some dude was having a go at the crew cause apparently we were standing around doing nothing while he was sitting in his car waiting for a burger. i threw his food in his face and got sauce all over the seats of his car. then one of my friends who i was working with knocked all the money from my till on the floor and slammed me with the fridge door. i punched him in the stomach. lifted him clear off the floor. i felt bad afterwards, but he took it in his stride.

yes, im going crazy. i admit it. i dont care any more. fuck sanity. fuck the free world. fuck you. i dont give a shit any more. whats the point. the only thing i had going for me now doesnt care whats wrong with me or wether i live or die. assuming she ever did. i like to think she did. i like to think she still does. i know she doesnt. i personally think she has moved on to said person. and yes, said person, it is you. you were standing next to her when she said no. you have always been next to her. i think she loves you. i think you love her. i said i was cool if you continued stealing her attention, but you win, you called my bluff, i do care. i cant help how i feel about someone, and i cant help if you happen to be more interesting than me.

and in typing all this, i have finally realised my greatest fear. that the one i love, who once said she loved me back, might move on to someone more deserving. the thought paralyzes me. literally im shaking and i feel like im gonna burst into tears. this thought fills me with absolute dread and terror. i know she'll be better off with someone more deserving, but just for once i want to be selfish. is that so much to ask??? for once to have something perfect and not want the rest of the world to look upon it with eyes full of greed and contempt???

and most of all pity. i despise pity. today i saw pity being handed on to me. the thought of it fills me with resentment. FUCK THIS MUSIC, ITS STILL PLAYING AND EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND IT DISSAPPEARS!!!

sometimes i wish i could just dissappear. bilby, i know you can read this as im typing it, and my msn keeps saying i cant message you, so message me or something. hurry! my mind is slipping further and further into despair. im waiting. come on. is it weird to ride your bike through a thunder storm in the hopes that you'l get struck by lightning??? or ride your bike in front of speeding cars in the hopes of getting hit??? or swearing and yelling at your manager in the hopes of getting fired???

maybe. maybe not. i still hear music i know isnt their. that in itself should be evidence enough of my deteriorating mental state. but its odly comforting. i guess the fact i know the music isnt real kinda makes me think that at least the rest of the world doesnt know im insane. they might after reading this though. going back over it i see might have been a little over the top. oh well. thats what has happened today. i just want to sleep now. at elast in my dreams everything goes just the way i want it to.