How Beloved Amongst Friends I Really am...

Hey hey kiddies! In keeping up with the recent blogging trend in this blog I'm going to be posting a blog all about DEATH! (Deeeeaaatthhh! Deeeaaatthhh!) And also, to prove TTTSNB's latest blog about Tool's brilliant song Vicarious (to which I am listening to right now) I am going to post a blog that will all amuse you all! And it's all going to be about me dying!

OK. We (bloggers) all remember (except for half of us) when I used to date a certain lady at our school... I since then have not dated anyone who I see 5 times a day ever again (partially because those girls all said "no"...) but while dating this WONDERFUL AND LOVELY LADY (Who definitely is not at all manly) she decided to show her enormous amount of affection to me by writing me a list... a list of 100 ways to kill me.... while we were still dating... yay! I'm just SO LOVED AREN'T I!? (AND NOT AT ALL BITTER! :P Nah I'm kidding it was funny.) So here it is! (Please note, this is a blog about the list not my past relationships... comment on how funny the list is! I have admin powers I can kill you with lightning!)

---

Note: No offence is meant with this document; it is merely a joke and a joke only.
We apologise for any offence caused and are not liable for damages.

1. Stab/Impale him
2. Shoot him
3. Asphyxiate him
4. Club/Crush/Giant Mallet him
5. Break everyone bone in his body except his skull and spine and leave him in a vulture infested desert.
6. Strap him to a chair and allow Travis to poke his neck
7. Strap him to a chair and allow Travis to tickle him
8. Bury/entomb him
9. Embalm him
10. Slit his throat
11. Slit all of his arteries and leave in a room full of vampires
12. Put him in a wood-chipper
13. Lock him in a box and put that box in the boot of a car. Put that car into a car crusher.
14. Force alcohol into him until hes drunk then at night, put him on to the middle of the road and tell him to run towards the bright lights.
15. Burn him
16. Drown him
17. Pump him full of caffeine and strap him loosely into a chair that zaps you if you attempt to move.
18. Put him in an oven. Lock the oven
19. Poison him.
20. In a helicopter, light a ball-like bomb with a short wick. Throw it to him down on the ground and tell him to catch.
21. Strap him to a chair naked, pump him full of viagra and attach him to a machine that zaps you if you have an erection. Play hardcore porn to him.
22. Strap him to a chair in a mirror room. Tie a few flowers onto him. Let in a bee. Then throw in a hive.
23. Tie him up, cover him in honey and float him in the middle of a lake on a hot summer's night.
24. Hang him.
25. Push him off a high place.
26. Pump him full of cholestrol.
27. Run him over with some form of vehicle.
28. Strap him in a room. Fill the room with feathers.
29. Chloroform him. Place him in a box. Send the box to your favourite cannibal with a label that says “Happy Birthday!”
30. Tie him up and hang him from the ceiling so that from his feet are submerged in water infested by flesh eating bacteria.
31. Pump him absolutely full of water and food, put him in an in-escapable dungeon waist-high full of Candiru infested water.
32. Put him in a paper bag and leave him in the pirahna section of the amazon river.
33. Send him up to space and leave him on the moon with no space suit.
34. Freeze him.
35. Poke his eyes out and tell him to follow you out of a maze of barbed wire.
36. Strip him naked, poke out his eyes, put a t-shirt supporting Islam on him and send him running into the Vatican city.
37. Tie him up. Lock him in a small room. Play loud dance or heavy metal music at 150 decibels for 24 hours a day for a week. Place him in a guillotine operated by an axe murderer. Call the axe murderer on his cell phone.Tell him all he has to is to tell the axe murderer operating the guillotine what the axe murderer's ring tone was.
38. Tie him up and push him down a manhole.
39. Lock him naked in a round metal bin and roll him down Mount Everest.
40. Get Josh to shave him completely. Lock him in a room. Tell him all he has to do is use a hair to open the lock before the room's roof falls down in exactly five minutes.
41. Leave him in an in-escapable broken elevator with George Bush. Forever.
42. Completely cover him in exactly 666 layers of Glad Wrap™ .
43. Leave him in the middle of an in-escapable mirror maze. Have ravid wolves come at him from one direction and a serial rapist from the other.
44. Cut off his arms and legs. Leave him in a room at the end furthest from the door. Tell him he can leave if he wants because the room will collapse in exactly two minutes.
45. Remove his organs. Without anaesthetic.
46. Chloroform him and while he is out cold, put him in the middle of a 42 terralitre cube of cooling red Jello. Cool the Jello until it is solid.
47. Cover him in meat sauce and leave him in an in-escapable flat 200sqm field. Release the hounds.
48. Leave in the middle of a room full of compacted brussel sprouts. Tell him to eat his way out.
49. Make him the next Santa. Take away his elves and reindeer and replace them with clones of Starcevich. Crush his sleigh.
50. Whip him.
51. Tie his head and each of his limbs to a 5 different horses. Throw a firecracker in the midst of them.
52. Dryclean him. Repeatedly. Until he dies.
53. Stand him up and tie him to a dead body. Lock him in a cellar with the body. Make him dance with the dead until the day he dies.
54. Plastic surgery him; Michael Jackson style with the exception od darkening not whitening him.
55. Strap him down and shove an unbent clothes hanger up his nose. Slowly.
56. Place his head in the middle of one hundred cell phones; all calling each other.
57. Cryogenically freeze him, then cut out shamrock shaped pieces of his body, dye them green, and use as lapel pins for St. Patrick's Day.
58. Sew his lips to his rectum.
59. Tie him up like a piñata and have small Mexican children beat him to death.
60. Eject him into space and leave him near a black hole.
61. Tie him under a huge magnifying glass on a real sunny day
62. Test his tensile strength.
63. Use him as the test subject in a pain threshold study.
64. Strap him naked to a board and using a cotton tip or glass rod, slowly dab Sulfuric Acid on to his skin.
65. Submerge him in a bath tub. Drop a hairdryer still connected to power in with him.
66. Throw him into a Marilyn Manson concert wearing a fluro green T-shirt that says 'Have a nice day'.
67. Dress him up as a seal, send him to Canada and hope that he's one of the million that are killed for their furs.
68. Dump him into the crater of an active volcano. If the magma doesnt kill him, the fall will.
69. Death by Snu-Snu.
70. Use him as evidence to prove that the acceleration of gravity is 9.8 m/s2 on Earth.
71. Poke him in the belly. With an wooden stake. See if he laughs like the Doughnut Man.
72. Strap him to a board and throw needles at him.
73. Strap him to a wall and “accidently” run into him with scissors. Multiple times.
74. Get a very large person to sit on him.
75. Cement his feet into large blocks. Throw him into a well.
76. Use him as a car crash dummy.
77. Lie him across two power lines.
78. Force him to clean up nuclear waste. Without a suit.
79. Lock him in a drum full of acetone.
80. Poke out his eyes and send him into an inner city New York school wearing a shirt that says “What's up my nigger?”
81. Tie a kite to him and leave in the middle of a cornfield during a thunder storm.
82. Use him as an electrode.
83. Strap him to a board. Open him up and put a rat in his stomach. Sew him up and leave him in the sauna.
84. Sign his name at the bottom of a letter with the words “bomb”, “I”, “you”, “Parliament House” and “die” in it and send it to John Howard.
85. Place him in a box and send the box to your favourite taxidermist.
86. Drug him and sell him to a gay brothel in Amsterdam.
87. Use his blood as ink in a reprinting of the fifth Harry Potter book.
88. Have Dr Nick perform a lobotomy on him.
89. Strip him naked and lock him in a room with several oversexed gorillas.
90. Put him through an Elemental Analyzer Isotopic Ratio Mass Spectrometer.
91. Strap him into a tanning box, lock him in and turn up to maximum.
92. Have thousands of small monkeys beat him to death with spoons.
93. Whip him, whip him good.
94. Dress him in red, dip him in red paint, break his legs then drop him into the middle of Madrid's annual running of the bulls.
95. Tie him up, suspend him with a rope and get Danny Green to use his genital area as a speed punching target.
96. Strap him to a board and force him to lick poisonous frogs.
97. Strip him naked and throw him into the nearest kindergarten at parent pick up time.
98. Use him as kebab meat.
99. Tie a cheese wire around his neck and secure the cheese wire to the top of a tall building. Glue his hands to his head and push him off the building so it appears that he has pulled his own head off.
100. Let him die of old age.

---

I like way 100 :) Please let me die of 100... or 69! :D I want to die of way 69. oh yeah.